In this rare opportunity, veteran columnist Lourdes “Deedee†M. Siytangco, known to many as a close friend and spokesperson of the late President Corazon Aquino, and lawyer Rene Puno, managing partner of Zulueta, Puno and Associates, and active member of the Married Life Apostolate of the St. James Catholic Renewal Movement in Alabang, share their indelible insights and practical tips on how to nurture a healthy marriage. She is the widow of Sonny Siytangco, while he is happily married to cancer survivor Ann Puno.
(Lawyer Rene Puno and columnist Lourdes “Deedee†M. Siytangco)
Why do men cheat? Is there anything a spouse can do?Â
Rene Puno (RP): Men cheat for various reasons. They may think their wives aren’t giving them enough attention; feel emasculated at home by the constant demands of family life; or cannot properly deal with the hormonal, emotional, and physical changes that their wives undergo in their later age; or want to be with younger women to feel young.
However, one underlying reason why Filipino men, in particular, cheat, is the mistaken notion that it is “normal†for a man to, play around. Perhaps, it is a throwback to our colonial times of the dominant haciendero who has domain over his “kingdom.†Over time, there has evolved a certain “status†perception attached to a man with visible, oftentimes beautiful or prominent, mistresses. Even now, this is most evident among known politicians and businessmen.
Deedee Siytangco (DS): Men like it that you initiate (sex and intimacy). That’s why they have kirirays (girls to flirt with) — the secretary in the office, the executive assistant. The girls make them feel so macho. We (as wives) also have to watch out for the predators.
In cases of infidelity, when do you forgive and forget, and when do you forgive and move on?
RP: I have seen many couples that have been shattered by infidelity, eventually make a go of their marriage successfully. The key is forgiveness, a large dose of it. Forgiveness without reproach, that continues to find faith in the special grace and fortitude that the sacrament of marriage provides every married couple.
No one says it’s easy. But is it doable? I say….YES! I have been married for over 29 years to Ann. My advice to couples that I mentor is to never give up. I have seen couples in the worst predicaments, who heeded my advice. They are still together.
Can you do something to prevent affairs?Â
DS: You must not only be a spouse to your husband. You must also be a friend and a mistress, so he does not look for them. Husbands have fantasies. Better that it’s the two of you who fulfill these fantasies instead of him, fulfilling it with someone else.
One of my mother’s rules was: “Never let your husband smell your pawis (sweat). Before he gets home, take a bath and look nice. Huwag kang paawa (Do not use the pity card). When you face your husband when he comes home from work, you must always be fresh.â€
(Shamcey Supsup is happily married to Lloyd Lee | Photography by SARA BLACK)
What should be more important — spouse or kids?
RP: For a happy marriage and family life, there should be no hierarchy to speak of. The obligations and responsibilities between husband and wife, and as between parents and children, are distinct and are of different nature.
The husband is to honor his wife, and the wife is to obey her husband. This statement may seem rather simplistic, but is truly the guiding dictum that spells out how the marital relationship of husband and wife should be. On the other hand, parents should nurture their children, provide for them, and should not discourage them. Children should respect and obey their parents.
What should wives do when they find out about their husband’s affair?
DS: My husband said, “If that happens to me, don’t drive me away. Fight for me. Don’t fight me.†It’s either you forgive him or drive him into his mistress’ arms. Don’t go around and play detective. The best revenge is to look good. If it doesn’t work, my advice is to tell the priest and go leave him. There are those who are incorrigible. I know men who say they will change their ways only to do it again.
Do wives need to confront the mistress?Â
DS: No, it will demean you. The girl will spit on your face. The mistress will say “He was the one who approached me. He told me, ‘he did not love you anymore.’ What can I do?†That’s so painful.
How important is sex in a marriage?
RP: Sex is important in any marriage. With the passage of time, other priorities and realities come into play that forge husband and wife, and family, into a homogenous whole. But as most psychologists will recommend, sexual desire should be kept alive for as long as is possible.
(Tiffany & Co.’s Lucida® band rings in platinum is one way to immortalize marital vows)
Does it bother men that their spouses are still friends with their ex-boyfriends? To what extent is their presence allowed in your spouse’s life?
RP: I would suppose that, for most men, it would be a bother for their spouses to maintain friendships with their ex-boyfriends. We would ask, “Why on earth would my wife still want to communicate with that jerk?†I suppose it has something to do with the common, territorial male thinking.
What’s the best way to deal with a fight?
RP: In reality, fights are basically misunderstandings aggravated by lack of communication and dialogue. Husband and wife love each other, and do not purposely want to hurt each other, which, unfortunately, is what happens in the height of argument. Do not panic when you are arguing. It is part of resolving issues. Try to suppress the feeling of agitation. Diminish the ego. Listen. Express your own views in an amicable manner. Find the common ground of resolution as soon as possible.
DS: Never ever let anything go between the two of you. For example, when we fight, I’ll just not talk to him. When he did not feel so good with me, he would go down to the basement and not come up to our room until after two or three hours later. When he’d come up, I’d tell him, “You see. You just wasted your time there; we could have made love here.†The best part of an argument would be saying sorry to each other because my husband would be so sweet to me.
How should problems with in-laws be handled?
RP: For the record, this is my own opinion only. If it is my parents who are treating my wife unreasonably, I would speak to my parents to try to rectify the situation. If it is my wife who is causing the problem, I would, similarly, talk to her and resolve whatever her issues may be with my parents.
DS: Love your in-laws no matter how unlovable they are. Love to the extent that you should not be bastos (impolite) to them even if you want to. But, there’s also a point when you stop trying. It’s best to stay away. No matter what your in-laws say, always remember this: “You can say all the nasty things, but I have him. I sleep with him.â€
(PeopleAsia 2016 “Woman of Style and Substance” awardee Rissa Mananquil-Trillo tied the knot with Paolo in 2011)
Is it okay for a wife to share her marital problems to family and friends?Â
DS: Keep it to yourself. Anything you tell your mother or sister is different. They hear about it; they will judge him. Unless he beats you up and you want to be brought to the hospital. Don’t be embarrassed to ask a marriage counselor, or a priest if need be.
When it comes to divorce, is it needed? Or is the annulment process enough?
RP: As a practicing lawyer and Catholic, I find that the annulment process is sufficient in itself. Marriage is meant to be a permanent union between husband and wife. Often, divorce is just a simplified procedure. Perhaps, because of divorce, some couples jump into marriage with the impression that they can get out of the commitment, once things get problematic.
How about the concept of loving yourself and making sure you always leave something for yourself?Â
DS: I never felt that I had to separate myself from (my husband). I became what he wanted me to become and I like myself for being that way. I don’t believe in the excuse: “I need my space. I need to be my own self.†Then don’t be in a relationship.
What are the things that most women take for granted when it comes to their spouse?
RP: Husbands need to be affirmed. After a long hard day, filled with pressure, anxiety, and conflict, we husbands dream of coming home to the arms of a loving and nurturing wife, despite being a bit incommunicative.
Husbands generally do enjoy and prefer to have sex with their wives. The sexual act is not only physical, but is reassurance and affirmation that everything is okay. Wives must understand that sex is not just an urge, but also a real, emotional need for husbands.
What advice do you have for men, on how to keep their partner happy? What’s your advice to women?
DS: When we got married, my husband told me, “Honey, my mother was a nagger. Promise me you’ll never nag.†Never nag. I realize that there are ways to tell your husband things. You think they are not listening. (If you nag,) the more they won’t listen. You can get more things out of being sweet than being a nag. I advise girls to just be patient.
Secondly, your husband expects loyalty. Don’t criticize him in public, never ever. To the wife, he must be number one. He must be the most handsome, the most responsible, etc. You must always be careful about your husband’s ego.
RP: For the husband, honor your wife by being faithful, not subjecting her to physical or emotional abuse, providing for her needs and those of the family, appreciating her many sacrifices in managing the home, allowing quality time for her and the family, avoiding vices that are detriments to a wholesome family environment, make your wife part of the decision-making in the various aspects of your marital and family life.
For the wife, obey your husband by being faithful, serving him, and taking care of his needs, having faith in his abilities, complimenting his efforts to provide for you and the family, doing away with nagging, bickering, fault-finding, and avoid the urge to criticize. — Interview by Joyce Reyes-Aguila, PeopleAsia February – March 2015
(Dennis & Tessa Prieto-Valdes find ways to celebrate their wedding anniversary differently every year)
