Now that their son is growing up fast, are they ready to answer his questions about his origin? Since they’re both dads, Noel Crisostomo and Roland Alzate can’t even resort to the usual story countless foster parents resort to. Sooner or later, almost any child is bound to ask about his mother. How are they going to handle it when the time comes?
By Alex Y. Vergara
When gay couple Noel Crisostomo and Roland Rense Alzate decided to live their lives together more than a decade ago, adopting a son was farthest from their minds. Despite the gap in their ages, the two were more focused on knowing more of each other while enjoying themselves and the fruits of their labor. And, for a while, they did!
But in the midst of living it up, traveling, shopping and dining in some of the most fancy restaurants and upscale malls here and abroad, Roland, who was then a newbie designer and the younger of the two, suddenly had a realization. Before it completely consumed him, he soon found himself sharing his thoughts with Noel, then already a seasoned designer both here and in his adopted country of Canada, who was understandably initially cool to the idea.
“Noel and I were having the time of our lives,” says Roland, “but somehow, I felt something was missing. Deep down inside, I started questioning the purpose of our relationship. We had so much fun and love to give, but I felt we needed somebody else to share them with. To strengthen our relationship and make us stick together like glue, I felt we needed a child to raise and call our own!”
Added responsibilities
Noel’s initial lack of enthusiasm was quite understandable. Having been around much longer than Roland, he was quite happy and content living his life without the added responsibilities fatherhood entails.
Fatherhood, after all, is no joke even to the most earnest and capable of men. But a year into their marriage, which was sealed in Canada in 2014, the Manila-based couple were still wrestling with the idea of whether or not to adopt a baby.
“We were already living together for five years when we finally sat down and had a huge discussion about it,” says Noel. If it were up to him, he probably wouldn’t have gone that far. But Noel’s love for Roland and their relationship proved to be far greater than his desire to remain more mobile and independent of responsibilities. In due time, he finally agreed to the idea.
And so baby Argo (named after Ben Affleck’s title role in the 2012 American political thriller) came into their lives a little over three years ago. Whatever fears or doubts the couple had initially have now been supplanted by pride, joy and pleasant discoveries, as their little prince grow wiser, bigger and more handsome by the day.
“Noel and I were already happy together,” says Roland. “But Argo became the fulfillment, the actualization of a grander form of happiness and a more meaningful life we’ve never experienced before.”
Discoveries and opportunities
And with such discoveries also come opportunities for the couple to learn more about themselves and their son, including, in Roland’s words, unceasing patience and more frequent “back pain” from rearing, carrying and following Argo around.
“Noel and I love and respect each other, and would literally cross oceans just to be together,” adds Roland. “But Argo has put new, never-before-seen colors in all our hopes and dreams. He cemented our love, tattooed it for us and for all the world to see.”
Despite their combined achievements in their chosen field, Roland considers welcoming Argo into their universe “the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.” Because of Argo, Roland’s long-held aspirations for having his own little family have been realized.
Child-rearing is no walk in the park, but it isn’t totally alien to Roland either who once helped his mother take care of a baby brother 15 years his junior. Prior to Argo’s arrival, he was also a dotting uncle to a beautiful niece. She and Argo have now become the best of friends.
Noel, for his part, had helped his now late mother Violy take care of her grandson Stephen in Canada. Born and raised in the Philippines, Noel, together with his immediate family, migrated to Canada in the mid-’80s.
Open to advice
Noel also credits his seven siblings both for their practical advice and moral support. Since Day One, he has also kept himself updated on child-rearing, adjusting his style and approach as Argo advances in age. He also used to watch almost every episode of the British TV show Supernanny.
“It was during those years spent with my mother and Stephen that I learned to feed, bathe, play and change a baby’s diapers,” says Noel. But there’s a huge difference between assisting someone take care of his or her baby, and being a father himself. And since fatherhood doesn’t come with a manual, the two soon found themselves in uncharted territory when they chose to do away with the services of a nanny during Argo’s first year.
“It was a joint decision because we wanted to strengthen our bond with him as much as learn about him,” Noel shares. If you ask him, all those sleepless nights, especially when Argo was going through the usual growing-up pains—from fever to teething and everything in between, are worth it.
“It’s such a great feeling when I come home after a long day at work and he would greet me in his own inimitable way, ‘Papa, I miss you,’” says Noel.
Roland also did the same things—trying to find answers to questions on child-rearing through research. And despite all the joint knowledge the two have gained from taking care of their nephews and nieces, raising one’s own child, says Roland, is a continuous process of “learning and unearthing.”
Endearing roles
Throughout his life, Roland has also had many endearing roles: responsible and dutiful son; thoughtful and loving kuya (big brother); dependable friend; faithful partner; and, when he chose to embark on a career in fashion almost a decade ago, one of the country’s freshest and most promising talents.
He’s happy to be a blessing to others as well as grateful for all the kind words and accolades that have come his way, but “the greatest privilege I could ever have,” he declares, “is being called a Papa.”
“Being a dad to Argo is the pride of my life,” he continues. “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself literally being somebody’s hero. And all that love coming from our little son is all for me and Noel.”
As a bonus, the doting fathers are beaming with pride at how intelligent their son is turning out to be. At two, for instance, he could already name more than a hundred objects, says Roland. These days, the three-year-old boy can already spell simple words.
But being a dad responsible for molding someone else’s future also entails plenty of challenges. Both Noel and Roland are indebted to their efficient and hardworking staff consisting of two young men who do all-around household work and a young lady whose sole responsibility is to watch over Argo.
They also consider themselves fortunate for owning their time. The flexibility, especially these days when almost everyone, including designers, is working from home, allows them to spend more time with Argo.
“Being with Argo more often and seeing him every day as he goes through life’s milestones are priceless,” says Roland. “We couldn’t have done such a tough balancing act without our devoted angels who make everyone’s lives at home easier.”
No good cop, bad cop routine
When it comes to parenting, the two don’t resort to the classic “good cop, bad cop” routine. Admittedly though, Noel is the stricter of the two.
“Argo would often go to Rense after he gets a scolding from me,” Noel shares. “He’s probably looking for a kakampi (ally). As is typical in our home, Rense easily gives in.”
Owing to his Canadian background, Noel, says Roland, is the more relaxed father. But contrary to Noel’s image of himself as the more stern of the two, Roland considers himself the resident taskmaster.
“This early, I already have my own little list of the things that I want Argo to do in life,” he adds. And that probably includes Roland’s constant desire to turn Argo into a juvenile male model by dressing him up in the latest designer outfits for children—from Burberry to Gucci, Fendi to Prada. Seriously though, whatever the items on that list are, they’re sure to increase and become more complex as Argo advances in wisdom and discernment.
“Noel and I also know how to compromise. Or as Noel would put it, surrender and sometimes let Argo have his way. But, strictly speaking, compromise isn’t in my vocabulary.”
Now that Argo is on the verge of becoming a pre-schooler, are they ready to answer the boy’s questions about his origin? Since they’re both dads, Noel and Roland, if they so wish, can’t even resort to the usual story countless foster parents spin through the ages. Sooner or later, almost any child, especially one as intelligent and as inquisitive as Argo, is bound to ask about his mother.
It’s been clear since the beginning, says Roland, that they won’t make any attempts to “sugarcoat Argo’s unique situation” when the time comes. This early though, adds Noel, the child hasn’t asked about his mother yet.
“But sometimes, perhaps in his attempt to make a joke, he would call me or Rense ‘Mommy’ while grinning from ear to ear. Maybe, in his mind, he’s starting to question,” says Noel. Even before that happens, the couple have slowly started showing Argo pictures of his biological mom.
Over the past several months, both daddies share, it has become more difficult to put Argo to sleep in the afternoon. To lull him to dreamland, Noel and Roland would take turns either reading him a book or singing him a lullaby. During one such afternoon, Roland was reading Argo one of his new picture books.
Through a series of show and tell, they flipped through the book together while Roland tried to make up stories based on the images before them. Before long they reached a section showing the image of a conventional nuclear family consisting of father, mother and a child.
“I was speechless for a moment before I finally found my voice,” says Roland. “I told Argo, I’m sorry my son, but you don’t have a Mama. Before I could say another word, Argo said, ‘no, Papa, I have…it is you.’” And with that, Roland quickly reached for the nearest box of tissues.
